Dear Diary
by LostForeverInHisEyes
Summary: If Callen kept a diary, what would he write? Starts with Legend PT 1. A Diary entry for each episode from Callen's POV.
1. Legend Part 1

_A/N - Just trying to get into Callen's head a little, not sure how successfully I'll be but hoping with each chapter I get a little closer. Not sure of the update speed. Slowly working our way through Season 1 and will pop up each one as it is done and I'm happy with it. Feedback and reviews always appreciated._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o

**Episode - Legend Pt 1**

Dear Diary.

You learn something new every day.

Jethro Gibbs had four wives. Not quite sure where this additional one fits into the time line. Maybe one I haven't heard about or maybe he's found someone else since I last saw him. It has been a while.

Then again… 18 years.? There's something going on with him and Macy. Neither of them are talking.

No. Couldn't be. She's not a redhead.

But they are family and somehow I need to figure it out. So do they. Before Macy does something she'll regret because I'm sure Jethro is driving her up the wall. The tension between the two is palpable.

Then there are the things that are the same every day. Such as being someone else. But then, when you don't know who you are it's pretty easy to be someone else.

Liam. That's who I am now. Don't know much about him and hopefully neither does the guy I'm meeting. But it's what I do. Wing it.


	2. Legend Part 2

_A/N - Thanks for the response to this. Let me know if you want me to try and delve deeper into what Callen might be thinking. The original aim of this for me was to try and condense things down to be short and sweet - so to speak, but if you want more details, I'll see what I can do._

_Disclaimer - (for Chapter 1 as well) Don't own anything at all that is recognisable._

_._

**Legend Pt 2**

Dear Diary,

Finding and taking down a terrorist sleeper cell was easy.

Dodging Sam's question about settling down was self-preservation. Not ready to talk about her yet.

Smiling at the Russian girl and wondering if maybe it wouldn't be so bad to make friends after all, was simple. Almost instinctive. Which makes me wonder where that reaction came from. It seemed almost familiar.

I remember the blue sky. I remember the fruit stand. I remember the squeal of tyres and then the sharp sound that preceded the body-jarring, flesh-tearing, incredible pain of bullets slamming into me.

Not just one. But five.

I remember Sam holding me, begging me to hang on and fight.

I remember wishing it was that easy, that I could promise him I would.

I remember the darkness crawling in … and the fight starting in my mind and my body.

One I'm not sure I'm prepared for or can win.

I guess we'll see soon.


	3. Identity  & The Only Easy Day

_A/N 14/03/2011_ - _Realised that I had actually forgotten to put in the chapter on the episode titled 'The Only Easy Day' so I have added it here, rather than mess with Chapters. It's below Identity. If you would like to leave a review for it and have already done so with this chapter, you may just need to log out and leave an anonymous one - if you put your username in there, I'll be able to get back to you through the PM system._

_I didn't even realised I'd missed it out until I went to check IMDB to make sure I was still in the right order. Hope you enjoy._

_A/N - Thanks for the reviews. This one is a little longer than the other two. Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter ... 2_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode : Identity**

**.  
**

Dear Diary,

Well I made it. Turns out the fight was long and hard, but I was tougher than I thought.

Today was the first day back at work. New office and all. Hetty sure knows how to pick a place in plain sight.

Seriously, I really wouldn't have minded not being shot at today. When the bullets came flying at the car, I have to admit for the first time in a while, damn I was scared. There were flashes in front of my eyes that had nothing to do with the scene in front of me.

Then there was Sam.

We had a girl to find and fast before she was killed, at least that was what we thought. Except it was her father who had taken her and he knew we were onto him. Really though, this was one of the times when I didn't wish that I had parents. What kind of father does that to their little girl? Risking her life like that. Because he had to know that someone was going to try and find her. Did he actually think we were so stupid that we wouldn't have made a connection at some point and come looking for her? Actually, he probably did. He was that cocky.

Anyway, getting back to Sam. Another thing I wouldn't have minded skipping on the first day back was having to shoot to kill to save him. As much as he's a pain in the rear sometimes, I've missed him a little less last few months. Plus, I'd hate to have to break in a new partner just as I've got Sam mostly trained.

Settling down on the couch after everything though, was like coming home. Finally. There's no place quite like my couch in the security of the office. I don't have to worry about who might be trying to find their way through my front door and I don't have to clean up, except fold a blanket, which somehow mysteriously found its way over me last night. Hetty or Sam? Not entirely sure which one. But it was nice to wake up to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o

**Episode: The Only Easy Day**

Dear Diary,

There aren't many times when I seriously worry about Sam. Unfortunately, the case today means that I am. What these SEALS did, whilst understandable and not all that bad on the grand scheme of things, has shaken him.

It's so easy to see.

The banter is there, but there a seriousness to it that sometimes makes me wonder just how much is Sam the buddy partner that I know and love, and how much of it is Sam trying to make jokes to cover up something more.

Especially when he lost it with Raspen. I'm sure Nate was more than worried, but I know Sam enough to be sure he wasn't about to do any serious damage. I wouldn't have let him in there if I had any doubts. The very reason why he lost a little is why I know this. Sam is a SEAL. Through and through. Nate was right. It's who he is to the very core of him. As tempting as it would have been to harm Raspen or Holgate, he wouldn't. Not Sam.

Even with the ending, it's gonna take some time for Sam to forget this. Doesn't help that he trained Holgate. He's taken this personally. Let's hope Dom doesn't pay too much with his training.


	4. Predator

**Episode: Predator**

Dear Diary,

So much today. Where to start?

The fun stuff. Sam had a bit at my expense with Kensi describing herself on dates and why she doesn't do second ones. Apparently Sam thinks I'm antsy, impatient and irritable. Doesn't he realise that it's him that brings out that side in me? He wasn't overly impressed when I suggested he was a whiny needy slacker. He really should have known something was coming though after he wouldn't let up on Hetty and Frank Sinatra. I'm sorry but I just don't want to think about Hetty like that. Seriously, she like a grandma to me and who wants to consider that scenario with their Grandma in it.

Then there was the not so fun stuff. Two bodies in one day. But at least it is still affecting them. There was a look on Hetty's face when we were talking about the team, the look that told me she knew I was already past it affecting me. I've seen too much already. I didn't really have a choice. It was stop feeling or stop doing this job. And since this is what I'm good at, I stopped feeling ... or at least learnt how to lock it away before I could feel it.

Dom's feeling pretty bad about not being there in time. He couldn't have known. It wasn't like he'd fiddled around and not shown up in the bathroom for five minutes. He was barely thirty seconds behind the kid. I have to say though, the newbie impressed me today. Dom definitely pulled himself back on track. It was him who made sure that that missile was in the right hands and not blowing up a school.

Speaking of being blown up. Sam and I almost were. I'm pretty sure things would have been a tad more awkward with Hetty than tight pants if we had been. Sam thinks it was because I asked about Nepal, but I think it was because she was worried. She has strange ways of showing she cares. She maintained her composure and her usual sharp tongue and quick wit, but I saw it. Just a brief, tiny, split second of relief mixed with the teeniest bit of fear. She worries about us, not that she wants us to know though.

And that's one of the reasons I like my job. My boss cares. It's nice.


	5. Search and Destroy

_A/N - Okay, back down under, Jet lag slowly working its way out of my system. So here comes the next episode. A little different to the previous ones, but this is what came out so we'll see how it goes. Hopefully you'll like it, if not, I'll blame it on Jet lag and hold off writing for a bit longer! My mind gets to be a slightly crazy place when it's this tired.  
_

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything you recognise.  
_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode - Search and Destroy **

Dear Diary

Flynn, the guy we had to find who knew too much. He and I are so similar. Nate nailed it with the description and I snapped. He was so close and I hate it when Nate gets that close. And really, what chance do I have to have a relationship? A real one? Yeah, I did it once before but that didn't work out in the end. Like Flynn said, we do what we do to keep the world safe for others to live that kind of life, not so much for ourselves.

But the thought of throwing a baseball in the park with my kid; son or daughter I don't care. It's a beautiful thought. I never had that when I was a kid, but I want it. Deep down ... I want it. No matter what I let Sam think. I want that family, that security … the love and comfort. I almost had it. Charlotte … Charlie. She and I, we worked. We were on that track. Just a few more years and it would have been ours. But then she was gone and I can't do it again. Hurts too much. Just one brief moment of distraction and she was gone. One of the reasons I prefer working alone and the main reason behind the 'Don't date cops' rule.

Don't get me wrong, Sam's a great partner – even with his obsession with paper ducks or swans or frogs or whatever he thinks they are. But if I had the choice, I'd do it alone. Then there would only be me that I could get in trouble. No one else to worry about.

Hetty thinks damaged goods are more valuable; that they are unique. So did Charlie. She always told me I was one of a kind. It's been so long since I really thought about her, since I voluntarily let her out of the box, but I know Hetty would have liked her. For all I know Hetty probably knew her.

I need Charlie back in that box though. But today, with Nate and Flynn and Cherry, there is so many memories and she's out.

I need to find something else to focus on. Kensi and her one date rule. I wonder about that. I don't believe her excuse. Don't believe Sam's description either. Maybe Kensi is the same as me. How do you date someone when you don't really know who you are? How do you let someone know you when you barely have any time to be you?

Funny thing is, I know the answer. Charlie gave it to me. She believed in me. To a guy like me and a guy like Flynn, having a girl believe in you like that, like Charlie did for me and Cherry did for Flynn, that makes a difference. When I was with her, it's the only time I've really known who I was.

I see Charlie in Hetty. I see the belief in both of them that they have in me. Different, but similar all the same. They both believe in me; the man and the agent. Maybe that's another reason why I haven't left OSP yet. Not too many people in my life have believed in me so fully.

Charlie, I miss you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o

_21/03/2001 - A/N 2 _- _Just realised that I never mentioned that Charlie is an OC - all in my head. She's in here to weave a little story through it, given what I think Callen might be feeling during certain episodes. I apologise if I confused anyone._


	6. Killshot

A/N - Thanks once again for all the support.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything you recognise, just having fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O

Episode: Killshot

Dear Diary

Still don't like getting shot at, but at least this time I seem to be over the flashbacks.

Vance came out personally for this one. Kai. She rattled him. Had us worried too. She's good, seriously good. Maybe that should be was good. Losing that much blood, doubt she'd still be alive, unless she had help. I am curious who exactly Kai is to Vance. Hetty would probably know for sure but I can imagine.

There are those out there, enemies, that you know are just waiting for a chance at you. Ones you've come across a couple of times, ones you'd like to get the drop on as well. You know that the next time you meet could very well be your last. It's almost like a cross between a nightmare and a really interesting challenge. You want to be the one to win, but you really don't want to be the one to lose and you can't predict which way the cards will fall. I've got more than one of those out there, but I have Hetty, and she's doing pretty good keeping me away from them.

Dom did pretty good today, even if he did lose Hetty's button. Not sure who we were more afraid of by the end of the day. Kai or Hetty.


	7. Keepin' it Real

_A/N - Slowly catching up. Finally started Season two last week!_

_Thanks again for the support._

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything you recognise, just having fun._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode : Keepin' it real**

Agent Giordano. Cute but not really my type. In the end I just needed to do something to get her to stop and move on.

Maybe it's cause she came on a little too strong, or maybe it's because I still can't forget Charlie. They're so different. Charlie was such a contradiction, she was a challenge to be around at first. Took me a while to understand her but I got there. Shy yet bold. Calm yet fiery – oh how she could turn those eyes into flames when she was mad. Not to mention an entirely different type of heat for other things. There were times when I wondered how she became an agent with that temper, but she was a damn good one, except for that one mistake that we made.

But Agent Giordano - so simple to read, not really a challenge. And I guess I like challenges, or at least a girl who seems up for the challenge of loving me. Not one who just seems to like the looks. Looks can change too easily. Maybe it's even simpler. Maybe I'm just not ready.

Kenz really impressed me today when she was in with the mark. That text. It had me smiling. She's just so smooth with what she does. Here Sam and I were thinking she was in trouble and she just goes with the flow so well. Definitely a born operator. I think I'd kind of forgotten how good she was. We haven't really partnered up much since I got back, but this mission was a good reminder of why she's with us.

We did it though, got the bad guys, got the money, all is happy in the world.

Mostly.

Maybe I should go find Sam and tell him about Charlie. Instead of being here alone, trying to forget yet again. Sam would have liked her. She would have driven him nuts but he would have liked her. Just like me.


	8. Pushback

**Episode: Pushback**

Dear Diary,

I hate it when that happens. You don't notice something until someone mentions it and then all of a sudden, it's there _all_ the time. And for me, not to notice something is a big thing. So if I don't notice, I don't _want_ to notice. What is this thing I noticed that I didn't want to notice you might ask? Well, blame it on Hetty. I started tasting the paper.

Hetty, tea and paper though, not really important. Just trying to get away from the rest. Alina. Arkady. Ethan. The past coming back to haunt. I've got plenty of ghosts that are out there just waiting but why … why did it have to be her?

Alina and her family. They were the biggest bright spot from my past. Gone. All of them now. And she died trying to avenge me. She thought I was dead. When I found out it was her, when Arkady told me what he had done, sending her to me – I wished I'd died. I'm not worth someone so good, so innocent, dying for me.

Nate wanted to pull me off the case; I could see it in his eyes and when he opened his mouth I was expecting him to. But he didn't. Nate doesn't often shock me. Irritate, yes but not shock. He gave me some good advice and then let me go. I'm pretty sure that was hard for Nate, that it went against everything the psychologist in him was screaming, but he trusted me to be able to do this; even though it was personal. I'm just glad I didn't fail his trust. I'm starting to like the guy a bit more.

Ethan was behind it all and it makes me wonder who else I've worked with who wasn't as good as they should have been. I mean, I know that most of the people I've worked with aren't what they appear to be, neither was I. But I was one of the good guys. And I thought he was too. Does that mean I might not be either? Deep down, what I am? I don't even know where I come from.

I don't want anyone else die for me. Not Sam and definitely not Kensi. For a moment there today I was scared that she would. The jumpiness in Ethan's bodyguard's eyes as he pointed the gun between Kensi and I. Being so positive that he was the one who had murdered Alina I didn't doubt that he could do it. I don't think I could live with myself if someone else died because of me. There's already been Charlie and Alina. That's two too many already.

The house was the same, the key right where I knew it would be. I could see them all there, feel the happiness. And my name, the one I'd carved into the door. It was still there. After all this time, it was still there. It had been painted over, but not filled in. Like I was still a part of them, a part they didn't want to erase.

And in strangely sad but happy way, I felt like I was home. For the first time in a long time.


	9. Ambush

_A/N - Not sure about this one, but here it is anyway. Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer: Don't own anything you recognise, just doing it for fun - and to get to know G a little better._

_

* * *

_

**Episode **: **Ambush**

Dear Diary,

Things did get a bit hot in there today, but in the end we got them, the missiles back and the bad guys locked up. And, admittedly, the success had a hell of a lot to do with Hetty. I knew she had pull in high places but it's rare to see that out in the open. Usually Hetty just hints. But an F22 flyover – that, I have to say, was cool and perfectly timed – though personally I wouldn't have minded it happening just a minute or two earlier.

I know she worries about us, and after the fact, I realised that all of this would bring back memories of Sullivan. But Sullivan was fairly new. I'm not, Sam's not, neither is Renko. Kensi might be a little and I guess since I doubt I'll stop worrying about Kensi at little more than Sam, neither will Hetty. Not that Kensi isn't good, she's just … She's our girl and whether she likes it or not, that's going to mean we are going to worry about her just a little bit more. Call it a protective male instinct.

As for Sam, my head still hurts and I'm a little peeved at him but colour coded reports and bursting in when I had everything under control – mostly – aside, there isn't anyone I would have preferred to have my back than Sam. After all, he is occasionally right. I really did think the guy would have stopped.

Jay should be all right. He seemed like a good kid who just got caught up in the wrong place with the wrong people. He's got a mum who seems like she's a good one. Be interesting to see where he goes. His heart's in the right place and he's definitely learnt from this. Maybe I'll see him around again one day. Maybe he'll even join up. Get in with the right guys this time.

Now, let's just hope one day, Hetty feels happy enough to leave us alone again – otherwise planning her birthday surprise could be even harder than normal!


	10. Random on Purpose

**Episode: Random on Purpose:**

Dear Diary,

Abby Scuito. What you can say about Abby? Never met her before but knew about her from Gibbs. Never really understood his affection for her… until now. There's something about her that's … I guess irresistible.

I'm sure she's got us all wrapped around her little finger, not intentionally of course. Eric was at that point before she even arrived and Hetty didn't take long after that. Between her brain and her unique style, I think Hetty might have felt like she was in heaven. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Hetty attempted to steal her from the East Coast! Doubt that Gibbs would let that happen though, even with Hetty's bag of tricks and persuasive abilities.

Aside from the fact that Gibbs would have killed me – long, slow and painfully – if we hadn't rescued Abby, I wanted to. Almost like she'd become part of our team, filled a niche that we don't have someone for, even though I didn't get her at first. Plus, she hugs good. Just glad that I aimed for the right person. Things were a bit of a blur in that fall through the ceiling. At least this time, Sam had a good hold and didn't follow me down.

As for muggles – no way was I admitting to Sam that I knew what they were talking about in that club. Charlie enjoyed them and I read them with her, and even after she was gone I kept reading. There was only one more to go by then. I think this might be one secret I've managed to keep from Hetty.

The other thing about today. We actually got our reports done before we left for the night. Clearing the paperwork that quickly – will have to admit Hetty definitely rows a good boat.


	11. Brimstone

_A/N - There was so many possibilities in this episode, hopefully I have done it justice with what I picked to focus on._

_Disclaimer - Don't own it if you recognise it, just having fun._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O  
_

**Episode: Brimstone**

Dear Diary,

It's Christmas. We should be decorating trees, stuffing ourselves silly with food, basically eating, drinking and being merry.

But is that what we were doing today? Nope. Not until the very end anyway and that was mainly the drinking.

At least twice Sam, Kensi and I were a hair's breadth away from being blown up. This whole case brought up bad memories for all of us, assuming Kensi really did have a fiancé who died in Fallujah. Something tells me that it's a complicated story. The things Sam and I went through over there still give me nightmares but, Nate's right. Talking helped. It's one of the few times I've actually talked to Nate. Between him and Sam, I got enough of it out to move on, but the memories are still there and some days are more difficult than others, like today.

Ross' dad, and the little girl Ellie, made me think about kids, time, life passing you by. It's Christmas and Charlie and I … kids would have been on the agenda by now. The time for little league matches, playing on the beach on the weekends, it would have been there. That had been our plan. Now, it's just long hours, explosives, murders, danger and work.

Got to admit, I don't even know what kind of dad I would have made. Would I have been the kind of dad who knew what my kids wanted to be when they grew up? Ross wanted to be a marine from the time he was eight. By the time I was eight, I just wanted to be someone else. Guess when you think about it, I managed that. Undercover, being someone else at a moment's notice, though it wasn't necessarily a conscious career path decision.

Funny thing about life and it's probably one of the hardest things. We don't get a second chance at living. We have to make the most of what we have and run with it. I know this … in my head. But I also know that I don't do that very well. Guilt for past mistakes, wishes for things being different. As much as I don't want to admit to them, they're there. Charlie, parents that I don't remember, some of my choices in life. But I can't go back and change anything. I have to keep going, try and forget, learn from them even. Somehow I need to figure out how to do that; how to live a little more than I am right now. Make the most of what I've got, here and now.

Just like Hetty did with the Christmas tree. It wasn't a Douglas Fir, a Blue Spruce or anything she would call a traditional Christmas tree. But by the time she was done, by the time she'd run with what she had, it didn't matter what the tree was. It was most definitely a Christmas Tree. Our Christmas Tree.

And boy was that some Scotch.


	12. Breach

_A/N - I have updated the Identity Episode chapter to include the diary entry for the episode that followed called 'The Only Easy Day' which I completely missed! Oops._

_Disclaimer - don't own anything you recognise, just having fun and some attempted stress relief._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Breach**

I don't usually lose it with a female, not like I did today, but damn she got under my skin. I knew she wasn't telling us everything, lying outright in some places, and she didn't seem to understand how much danger she was in, or what she had gotten involved in. And this was someone had tried to kill her.

Though considering where she came from, it's quite possible she was a hell of a lot happier and felt safer here than she had been used to.

But if I'm honest with myself, I saw something of me in her. Alone, fighting to make it through each day and not wanting anyone to know who I really was behind it all, only having myself to watch my back. I've spent so much time doing that in my life. But I know that I have others now, Sam in particular, who watch my back and are there for me. I just had a time convincing her that we were just trying to help.

Sam. Worried about the big guy. Everything with Moe has shaken him. We can all see it, even Eric, whose not the most intuitive of us. When he told Sam Moe was gone, I could hear it in Eric's voice, he was worried, not only for Sam but for Moe and he was confused. Eric hasn't lived a life like any of us, a life with danger and unanswered questions. Eric answers things, he finds the details and he gets the information needed. Unanswered questions aren't a part of Eric daily routine.

Sam will make it, he'll find a way, but in the meantime, I'll be keeping a closer eye on him than usual.

Hetty wants me to stop and smell the roses. I think she wants more than that. I think she wants to see us all happy with someone. Not miss out like she did. Whoever this guy was – the perfect combination of scholar, soldier and scoundrel – I think she cared more about him than she wanted me to know.

She was right though. I'm not going to the exhibit to 'meet chicks'. Charlie liked Rembrandt. I might not be up to sharing with Hetty about her, but I can share something with her, show that I can take some time to just enjoy something beautiful.


	13. Past Lives

_A/N -And we hit the half way mark of Season 1! Thanks so much for the support on this story. I'm glad so many of you are enjoying this. I'm certainly enjoying rewatching and looking for little things I've missed relating to Callen. It's been a blast so far trying to find my way deep inside his mind._

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything you recognise. Just doing it for fun.  
_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o

**Episode: Past Lives**

I think Hetty's going to have some investigating to do. If what Corby said to Kensi at the end is true and there are rumours about me, we'll have to do something about that. Hopefully we won't. I don't really want to change my name for real.

Jason Tedrow.

Box 229.

Hetty and I have this little inside joke that the I.D boxes are in number order for me. 229. And that was four years ago. If I didn't know better I'd almost believe that joke. I've been so many people, so many different lives, names, jobs.

Hetty's right though.

I did enjoy being Jason Tedrow best.

But not for the reason she probably thinks. I lost Charlie five years ago. Came to NCIS right after that. Sam and I barely had time to get to know each other before he was off to Afghanistan and then a couple of months later this mission came up.

Kristen was everything Charlie wasn't. She was safe, quiet, it was a simple life in a way. Even if it was a lie. She didn't have a dangerous job. She didn't make me crazy in every way possible.

Jason Tedrow was everything I wasn't. I escaped for those months. Escaped being me, got to be someone else for a long time. It made it that much easier to shut down the pain and forget.

I didn't think it would be that bad going back, until Michael looked up at me and my mind went crazy trying to figure out what this meant. Loss slammed into me so quickly with the thought that maybe I'd lost that chance yet again. What if he was mine? What if I'd walked away from the life that I'd wanted so badly at one point? I'd escaped from Charlie's memories, from the life we had planned, into the persona of Jason Tedrow. Yeah, I'll admit things went a little further than they probably should have, but I hadn't even thought that when I'd walked away from her – for her own good- that I might have left something so important behind. Then there was Tommy. I hated him on sight, honestly I did. All I could think of was he had what was mine. Actually that's not quite right. He had my dream, just a different girl. He's a good guy though. He'll take care of them. Bad guy turned good. Familiar in a way.

She's moved on. Four years is a long time. I'm glad she did. Just wish I could too.

Oh well, some Karaoke and few drinks should put today behind us. Thank goodness Hetty remembers that she doesn't mix well with Tequila and mechanical bulls. No way are Sam and I going there again either.


	14. Missing

_A/N - This was a hard one. Hopefully I did justice to the emotional charged episode that was Missing._

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything recognisable, just having fun and learning._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Missing**

Dear Diary,

Things were so bright when we came in this morning. We'd had a great night. Hetty was absolutely brilliant and I couldn't help but chuckle over poor Nate. He really can't handle his alcohol.

But the texts came. Texts that at first we ignored. For fear of Hetty. But that changed quickly when we finally checked them. The fear didn't go, it just changed form. Fear for Dom.

He hadn't shown up last night, but we hadn't worried, not until the agent in distress calls came. Then there was a part of my mind that screamed 'Why didn't you check on him?' I remember he'd been so excited about the night out. Him not showing up; it should have sent warning bells ringing that could be heard over Willie, Bon Jovi or 'Sammy' Valentine.

He was the baby of the team, the newbie, the rookie. We were supposed to watch out for him, except last night we didn't. We drank, we sung and we just shook it off as him finding something better to do. Maybe he'd even got lucky.

Except, whilst perhaps he had gotten lucky in some ways, he hadn't found something better to do. All we have right now are three bodies, a severely bloodied car (this being where he got lucky in that it was mostly Frederico's blood) and no Dom.

Can I take comfort in that? That we don't have his body as well? Not entirely. Because I know what it means.

It means he is most likely still alive. I also know what else it might mean. If they didn't want him dead, then they want something from him. And I doubt they will just ask and let him go or leave him alone when he says no.

We're trying, we all are, but it's hard. For everyone it's a little different. Pain and guilt in all different ways.

Kensi's lost someone else – even if, no when, we get Dom back, it's not going to take away the pain that she's experiencing right now, having someone else she cares for gone from her life.

Sam's got the double guilt – Not riding him hard enough, feeling like he hadn't taught him enough as well as wondering if he'd been too hard on him the other day when they'd been training with the stapler and we'd left him behind after Eric's whistle call.

Eric is scouring everything over and over again, wondering what he missed. Wondering why, with all this technology, he can't find Dom; wondering what he is doing wrong or not seeing. And I can't bring myself to try and make Eric realise it's not his fault. I know he's done everything he can possibly think of, and a few things he probably didn't even know that he knew about. But how do I explain to him just how bad people can be? He's sheltered here in the office. Sure, he sees the bad, he sees the evidence of it, the fallout - But he's never had to _see _it or _experience_ it. And I hope to whatever God is out there, if there is one, that he never does.

Nate. Nate's a bit like Eric, mostly safe and secure here in the office. But Nate knows what the bad guys out there can do. I can't help but wonder what's going on in Nate's head. Most likely profiling of anyone and everyone who has ever come in contact with any of us or the Taro brothers. Just in case he can find someone who might have it in for us or have the psychological makeup suitable to trying to get to us through Dom. It's about all we've got now. There's nothing left clue-wise to go on.

And it's killing them to know that our hands are tied, that with all of our resources, all of our skills and knowledge and backing, Dom has gone. Disappeared and we can't find a trace.

And it's killing Hetty the most, even if she won't show it. She cares about all of us; she chose all of us, for whatever reason she had. And because of that, she feels the ultimate responsibility for us. Especially Dom. Because Dom came straight here. He hadn't been anywhere else. Unlike the rest of us. We'd all come up through the ranks, had some experience elsewhere. She wasn't responsible for the beginning of our careers. That vital, dangerous time when our enthusiasm outstrips our experience. The time when that lack of experience can be more dangerous than any enemy.

My hope sank when the van was empty. There was enough when Kensi came to the conclusion about the blood not being Dom's. It grew when Claudia confirmed Dom wasn't hurt badly. I held on to it with everything I had. But there's not much left anymore. If it's the _really _bad guys who have Dom, there's a part of me that wishes Dom had been the one we found in that house.

Because I know what those guys can do.

And sometimes, being dead _is_ being lucky.


	15. LD50

_A/N - Turns out I'm finding more in Callen's head than I thought I would. These little snippets seem to be getting a little longer._

_Many thanks to those who are reviewing. I'm glad you are enjoying these. I'm definitely enjoying writing them._

_A little note that I forgot to mention before - Charlie is all in my head, an OC that has fitted in with this story and will most likely prompt a completely different story at some point in the near future! Sorry if that has left anyone confused when I mentioned her._

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything, just having fun (though as mentioned above, I will claim Charlie as mine!)._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: LD50**

Dear Diary,

Hetty's scary.

It's normally the look that is scary. You know the one that has even Sam, big, tough ex-SEAL that he is doing anything she asks, but not today. Today, it's what she wants me to do that has me quaking in my boots at the same time I want to burst out laughing.

I mean seriously, between the woman convincing me to 'nudge' Sam regarding a new recruit and then following it up with her asking me to smother her so she doesn't spill all her secrets - which admittedly I wouldn't mind hearing, considering everything she's hinted at in the past she'd have some pretty juicy stories to tell. The part where I wanted to laugh? That she didn't want me to use a feather pillow because she was allergic. Really Hetty? I don't think the allergies will be what do you in. That is assuming she was serious, which I have this dreadful feeling she was.

I can't blame her though. Seeing Ester, knowing how confused she was and what she had done when someone had taken advantage of that. I know that I wouldn't want to end up in that situation and I'd be willing to lay a bet on the fact that Hetty has a lot more secrets that she wouldn't want to spill than I do. I doubt I'll have to follow through though. Doubtful I'll outlive Hetty even with all my lucky scraps, including the one today. Assuming I can outlive Hetty's inspection of the fish tomorrow! I'm pretty sure my insurance policy is worth more than the fish – hoping that's not the way she intends on paying for them.

Today I was worried about us all. This was just so unpredictable and so much could go wrong. We had so little time to prepare and, not that I'll tell him, but Nate was right. Nate was exactly right. There was a high risk that the worst could happen today. And that's usually not the case. We don't usually hold in our hands the lives of that many people.

There was a moment today, seeing the cut, the white powder … A moment of acceptance. This was it. It was over. My death wasn't going to be at the hands of a bad guy or a bullet (or five). It wasn't going to be fun, but it wasn't going be torture and I wasn't liable to spill all my secrets either. And for split second, before Sam sent me flying into the water, I felt hope. Silly really, but it was almost like I was about to find her again. Because if there was something after death, then maybe Charlie would be there. And that meant death couldn't be all bad. Then Sam stuck me with a needle and it was gone. The hope, the vision of her that was right there in front of my eyes, that had wiped the sight of the cut and powder from my mind just for that moment. Gone. And for another split second I was mad at him.

Just for a split second though. Cause I know that she wouldn't want me to mad. And I wouldn't want him to go through what I went through. Sam had the chance to save me and he did.

I didn't and I couldn't.


	16. The Bank Job

_Disclaimer - Just doing it for fun. Don't own anything recognisable._

**Episode: The Bank Job**

Dear Diary,

First glimpse of Bernhart - seemed too young, too cocky. Renko's description certainly didn't help, but by the end of the day he'd impressed me enough that I'd consider working with him again.

I know it was for the mission, but damn it was hard watching Bernhart and Kensi fight, knowing she could have taken him down so much easier than that. Harder still watching Kenz fall to floor pretending to die. Seeing the red growing on her shirt. Took a lot to stop the memories from taking over. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind that it could be a problem when we planned it. But when the 'bullets' hit her, watching her fall; it was so like Charlie.

Kensi wanted to know where I put my 'stuff', but stuff is hard to have around sometimes. You move, it gets packed and sometimes you just don't get around to unpacking it. Then it's like 'what's the point?' But some stuff is hard to let go of.

Just like memories really.

Similar to Sam, my stuff is locked away safe - fireproof, waterproof and … hurt proof. Just not close enough that I can go there on a whim when I'm in one of those moods that the contents could pull out all that old hurt and pain. But it's there if I really need it. Hetty's the only other one who knows where it is, just in case something happens to me.

Speaking of Hetty. 1955 Porsche Spyder? One of only 90 made*. Hard to picture Hetty behind the wheel of one of those cars. Let alone what must have happened for her to leave some of it embedded in the asphalt. Can't help but wonder if it was the car she was attached to or the memories of someone. You know what, Hetty and Frank was hard enough to get out of my head. I'm not going any further with Hetty and James. But Sam and 'Pete'? There's room for thought there, perhaps the baby powder can be explained yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`o

_A/N 2 - *according to some quick googling, there were only 90 Porsche Spyder's made between 1953 and 1956! What was Hetty doing with something so rare and so fast?_


	17. Chinatown

_A/N - This was difficult one, so I hope I've managed to find my way into Callen's head okay and not just gone off on a completely different tangent._

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything you recognise. Just doing it for fun - even when it's tough like this was, it's still fun._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode : Chinatown**

Dear Diary,

Five weeks since Dom went missing. Sam wants to find Dom, we all do, but we have nothing to go on anymore. Absolutely nothing. So for now we have to focus on other cases, like this one. Sam's finding that pretty hard. I'm sure he feels like we've left a man behind. Something SEALs don't do. And that would be eating at him - constantly. But we have a job to do, a hard one but a necessary one. All those people on that sub needed us to do it, to make sure that they were safe so they can keep the rest of us safe.

We bounced around from a possible murder to murder/suicide combo then murder and to the ultimate sacrifice for your country. Giving up your own life. Because I don't necessarily see it that Calvin took his life. He wasn't going to do what they wanted him to do and he made a choice. Yes, he would have been distraught over what they did to his partner, but if he was just taking his own life, he could have done it so many different ways. He made sure that he sent a message and whether or not it was intentional; he got our attention and passed on the details so we could stop them. He gave up his life; he was loyal to his country to the end.

I must admit I did feel a bit mean sending Nate out with Kensi, though as it turns out, he wasn't so bad. She said so herself. But we won't be letting him out again. He was more hyped up than Abby. He has his talents, ones that he should use - playing around in people's heads. It's what he knows and even if I don't want him in mine, he's good at it.

I do have to wonder what Nate would think about Sam getting so worked up over a little thing like being late. For a guy who is good at going with the flow undercover, he's so inflexible about certain things – like time. I know it's a SEAL thing … or maybe a Hetty thing. Haven't worked out yet if he's more bugged by the fact that I don't really care about time or days or whether he's just terrified of what Hetty might do when we turn up late.

Sometimes I'm late deliberately. Sometimes not. It's funny when Sam doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth. Got caught up with something, slept in, working out. All of them were true this time. I got caught up with something last night. Memories of Charlie floored me for a while. It's been five years to the day. Then I couldn't sleep once they finally settled down, so I went for a run. Up and down the beach until I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I dragged myself home and collapsed on the bed. Next thing I knew I woke up and I was running late. Sam's lucky I took the time to have a shower!

But at least we managed to get closure. We found out the why, how and who and took them down. Closure for the sister especially. She obviously cared for her brother deeply, as well as her parents even considering how they had treated her.

We will find Dom. We'll find out who took him and we'll take them down and get him back. Somehow. Because, even if I'm not a SEAL, leaving a man – or woman – behind isn't an option.

And we haven't left him behind, we just haven't got back to him yet.


	18. Full Throttle

_A/N - Ugh, I hate assignments. Needed a little break to hopefully help crack through the writers block for my last question. Who would have thought 500 to 1000 words would be hard to write - especially as these diary entries fit that criteria. Rules and guidelines - don't like them. Too restrictive. Oh well, thank you for listening to my vent. I feel better already. Now, on with the real reason for this post. The next installment of me getting into our dear G Callen's head.  
_

_This one's a little more lighthearted I guess, than the rest have been so far. I hope you enjoy._

_Thanks once again for all the support.  
_

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything you recognise, (will claim Charlie and anything that references that relationship though.) Just having fun._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Full throttle**

Dear Diary,

So it's official. The women in my life drive me crazy. Thank goodness there are only two that really count.

Hetty sent me to a 'fun' traffic school. Cruel, way too cruel especially if she knew that there was going to be singing and puppets. Not only that, but she gave us a taste of a super-charged Challenger (the tiniest nibble) and then she took it back. I might not need any help going fast, but she could've been nice and left it in to give Sam a little boost when he needs it.

And Kensi. Seriously? Nothing sexier than an empty sea of pavement, a racing engine and the squeal of tyres? I mean, I knew she was into fast and furious cars, but I didn't think she was _that_ into it. And if that's really the case, given what we know about her dating life (non-existent after the first date), then she must be avoiding anyone with a fast car. On top of that little revelation, there was the attitude and defensiveness to the insurance girl about the handbag. A handbag of all things set her off. Okay, so apparently the handbag cost a mortgage payment or more, not that I'd know how much that was, but really – a handbag? Could someone please explain that to me? Admittedly said insurance girl wasn't actually an insurance girl at all, but the oddest thing is Kensi didn't even realise she was doing it. Don't even get me started on the third grade blackmail.

At least we got something out of traffic school though. The light went on when … (insert mental picture of me shuddering here) … singing and puppets guy mentioned insurance. So it wasn't a complete waste of time, even if I did fail.

Hopefully Hetty has learnt her lesson about sending me to school and that she realises I thrive better in the 'School of Life', rather than that of a classroom – Especially a classroom with puppets.

Ah, The Bahamas – Pity. It would've been the perfect place to find that secluded cove, a sunset and a hammock. Though if I had gone with the girl from traffic school that probably wouldn't have happened. I'm rather particular about who I share my hammock with.

There's only ever been one.


	19. Blood Brothers

_A/N - Thanks again for the great reviews and support. _

_I have decided to drop the Dear Diary bit at the beginning. I've ended up having to come back in and add it too many times, so I'm definitely getting the feel that it doesn't belong, even in a jesting way.  
_

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything, just doing it for fun and the learning curve of writing short things! Plus getting into Callen's head. Sometimes it's an interesting place to be, others time it's a little scary.  
_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Blood brothers**

There was something about James that reminded me of me, when I was younger. In with the wrong crowd out of a combination of self-preservation, fear and a need to feel something – wanted, needed maybe … not weak. In the end, he wasn't weak and as Sam put it, he showed as much courage as the father and brother whose footsteps he had wanted to follow in. At least we got through to him and he came through for us. He's a good kid who stands a better chance in life because he got himself out of a bad situation by doing the right thing – scared or not.

Being scared - It's something you can't let stop you. Feeling it is one thing, but with this job, letting it affect you isn't an option. And yes, I was scared when those bullets came smashing through the windows and walls at the house. That much gunfire still brings back the fear of that day when I got shot. You have to be able to trust your instincts in this job otherwise you need to get out. Without them, I'd have died more times than I can count.

We're not bound by as much red tape, we can do things in a much shorter period of time. That gave us an edge today. Plus we have a hell of a team backing us up. Even when they don't like it or agree with our decisions. I certainly understand Nate's reasoning on not being able to recommend the mission go ahead, but I give him plenty of credit for the fact that he backed us up and gave it everything he had, even with that opinion.

There was just a brief moment when I was worried about Sam. Not even worried really – concerned just a touch, like being concerned that the donut shop would be out of my favourite on those mornings I'm late.

Oh, who am I kidding? When the fight started, even whilst I was reassuring Kensi, my fingers were itching to start the car and send it flying through the wall to stop it, or something equally effective that didn't include the possibility of running Sam over. That was my partner in there. Then the feed went down and it took every agent trick I knew to keep that cool demeanour so Kensi wouldn't kick me out and do exactly what I'd been thinking when the fight started. Not that I don't trust Sam's abilities, but hell, he was outnumbered something like six to one. Good at fighting or not, those weren't favourable odds. What I wouldn't have given at that point to hear Sam call me Ernie.

Given the number of bullets flying at me today, I'm pretty sure my little Guardian Angel was working her butt off helping me dodge them. That is when she wasn't too busy training with her eighteen weapons of wushu implements. I can't believe she actually poked me!

And to think Hetty's not just my angel, but the Director's as well. Hetty's his first line of defence. Somehow I have a feeling that the second line doesn't get much action.

Afghanistan 1979? Oh, Hetty for once you slipped. Now if only I could convince Eric to hack your file and find out just what you were there for. That would make an interesting read.

There are some days when retirement seems very tempting.

Today was one of them.


	20. HandtoHand

_A/N - Sorry for the delay - haven't had as much time lately to delve into the episodes. Hope you enjoy._

_Thanks again for the support._

_Disclaimer - just doing it for fun, definitely don't own the show, any of the actors or stories - unless it references Charlie._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Hand-to-hand**

It's not often Sam worries me, at least not in this way. He's a protector by nature – hence the SEAL factor. Sure he can do what he has to when he has to when it comes to protecting someone. Pulling the trigger on a gun when it's your life or theirs is also a heck of a lot easier than what he was up against when he went into that ring against Wyler. His fighting technique is, as Hetty said, splendid. He knows the moves, he has the strength and the ability. It's his mind that was the problem. He's still a SEAL. In that ring he needed to be something else. A fighter, pure and simple. Win and win fast, don't worry about the cost to the other player. In the end he managed. He held back but eventually he managed. Just wish he'd done it sooner.

Wish we'd known Wyler was LAPD too. Would have saved me a trip in a taxi with a rather disturbing smell. Could have saved Kensi the sly little comments from Deeks about her story and suggestive photos.

The guy was … Annoying? Cocky? Full of himself Kensi would probably say. He was good in the ring. And if he hadn't been so close to the truth about what we have access to, I'd have put it down to him watching too much TV. But he was close. He's good. I could see that there was potential in him. He gave us the information we needed, even though it was reluctantly, so he can play ball with the team if he has to. Though the way he was mouthing off, I'm pretty sure he prefers to be on his own. Not sure why though.

It's always fun to see the reaction of someone new to Hetty's superpowers. Deeks was no exception. The shock and bewilderment as he stared at Hetty was interesting. At least he kept his mouth shut. That I wasn't expecting considering his verbal sparring with us. He just might have a bit of self-preservation in him after all.

I'll give Deeks this, he does pretty good back up. Even Sam said he was all right after he saved his butt at the gym. And coming from Sam, that's about as good as you'll get until he knows you.


	21. Fame

_A/N - Only four more episodes of Season 1 to go! _

_Disclaimer - Only doing it for fun, don't own any of it, except for anthing Charlie related when it pops up._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Fame**

Seeing Deeks at Dom's desk was surprising. Finding out Hetty had brought him into the fold, shocking. Sam's reaction to seeing Deeks sitting in Dom's chair was concerning, but thinking about it, should have been predictable. Might have been good if Hetty had warned us, but then we, especially Sam, would have probably protested too much and this way she probably gets to skip it since it was already a done deal. It was interesting to see the change in Sam's attitude to Deeks just over the course of this mission.

But then so did mine. He completely failed at his first chance at liaising. I really couldn't understand why Hetty had chosen him. Though I can understand the need to have another member on the team. With three, it's impossible to split up with back-up, unless we take Nate out and none of us want that again and Renko's not available. Not that it really helped Kensi when she got caught at the house. Having Deeks join the team brought Dom back to the surface and realising Kensi was in trouble was one of the more terrifying moments of this job. Perhaps even more than when we realised something bad must have happened to Dom all those months ago. Emotion on emotion I guess. A few minutes, that's all that was between us getting her back and having to find another new team member. Which is when my opinion of Deeks changed. He was right there backing us up, even if he did end up in the road and I had to change the shot at the last second when he was right behind the target. I doubt Hetty would have been impressed if I'd shot the new guy on his first official job with us. Though I'm pretty sure that had Deeks missed his shot and got me, Hetty would've been even less impressed. After all, I am her favourite. But he didn't miss, and for that, I am … well not eternally grateful, but close enough. I'm pretty sure Sam is too.

At the club when I realised Hetty cut Deeks a deal, that was funny. He had no idea what he had gotten himself in for and he needed to learn. Hetty knows me. She knows when I go undercover, I'm there. I'll spend what I need to spend to make it look real. I can't help but wonder if she was testing Deeks or throwing him in the deep end, just like we had done when we set him the task of acquiring the money in the first place. I mean, I know she would have given it to me. All I had to do was ask. She certainly wouldn't have caught me like she did Deeks. Once was enough for me to learn, hopefully it is enough for Deeks too. I almost felt sorry for him at the look on his face when I ordered those next two bottles at a grand a pop. It was priceless the way he tried to pull back the order. He'll learn. At least he will eventually when, or if, he comes back.

I'm pretty sure he'll be back. Hetty's been watching him. For how long, she won't admit, but she wants him on the team. This liaison thing is simply another cover. A test if you will. If he passes, she'll pull him into the fold. And I seriously doubt Hetty would have taken it this far already if there was any chance that he would fail her tests. The poor guy never stood a chance once Hetty set her sights on him.

None of us did.


	22. Found

_A/N - This is probably my least favourite episode, though it is certainly jam-packed with emotion from everyone so in that way probably one of the best. It's just painful to watch. _

_Anyway, hope I did Callen justice in this. _

_Thanks so much for the support and reviews.  
_

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything you recognise, just having fun and learning about G._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o  
_

**Episode: Found**

Dom's dead. We found him. He was here in LA the whole time. We were so close. Now he's dead.

It really sucks being the team leader. Senior Special Agent in Charge. Bull. It's not so much that I'm the one who is more suited to being in charge and Hetty knows it. Sam knows it. Sam might not have as much experience as me at undercover but he sure as hell has the skills and just as much ability to lead the team as I do even given that lack of experience. Except for the fact that he still feels, or at least shows that he does. So Hetty gave it to me. The one who supposedly knows how to stop emotion in its tracks and focus on the job at hand. Hell, I've even told Sam that's what I do myself. Nothing new.

Yeah, well let me tell you this Hetty. It sucks. Because I do feel. And I sure as hell am feeling this one.

I got to be the one to tell Sam it was over. To stop trying to save him. That Dom was gone. That nothing he was doing was going to bring him back.

I was the one who shattered Kensi with the tiniest of nods that I'd wished she hadn't been able to see. But she did. I was the one who told her her partner was dead. Gone. Not coming back.

I was the one standing there trying desperately to be that rock of no emotion that I'm supposed to be, just focusing on the job, my team and putting everything else to the side, when all I wanted to do was crumple to the ground and cry.

Dom was so young and we never really got the chance to teach him what he needed to know. Sure he'd done the course, passed with flying colours and somewhere along the line he'd caught Hetty's attention. But school work and being the teacher's pet is no substitute for experience. Perhaps it was the loyalty Hetty saw in him that brought him to her attention. Because it was there right to the end when he took the bullets that saved Sam. When we were supposed to be saving him, he saved us. And that alone, even in the midst of all this pain and regret, makes me really proud that Dominic Vaile was a member of my team.

None of us will forget that day. As unemotional as I'm supposed to be, I won't forget this day or that pain.

I sure as hell hope I never have to change the status of an agent of mine from MIA to KIA again.

I can hope, even if the chance of that happening is about as slim as a hair.

Sometimes it really sucks doing this job.

So why am I still doing it?

I'm not sure I can answer that today. Maybe tomorrow.


	23. Hunted

_A/N - Finally found the time. Hope you enjoy, not really sure about this one, it was a little tricky, so many emotions floating around in this ep._

_Disclaimer - Don't own anything just having fun._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O  
_

**Episode: Hunted**

It started off Hetty seemed to be protecting me. As much as she knows I can lock away emotion, she also knows this is hard. Writing the report, or finishing it ready for someone else to analyse isn't something I really want to do right now. Then something she said made me wonder what was really going on. Because Vance didn't need to come out to read the reports that could easily be emailed to him.

At least Vance was on hand when we got the news that the Army had Keshwar all this time. He was the one they wanted. He was the one we needed to get Dom back. I think it's a load of crap that there was a breakdown in communication. If we'd known, we could have planned something, even if we don't negotiate with terrorists, it could have still given us an opportunity to get Dom back safely.

I think we'd better trust Sam's gut a little more often. He didn't like the woman at the airport, he didn't like the CID guy – neither did I but Sam doesn't usually take such an instant dislike to someone. He fought to get through to Moe, obviously again his instincts were right. Moe came through and I think Sam is finally starting to feel like that relationship still has a chance. He'll be there for Moe and I think they'll be ok. Which is good. It gives him something to focus on aside from Dom.

I wish I had something like that.

Because everything I said to Sam at the boatshed, I was saying to me. It was what I was feeling – just happened to be Sam was feeling something similar so I could make it like it wasn't about me. After all, it wasn't Sam who was a few seconds too late – If I'd gotten onto that roof top just a bit sooner, maybe, just maybe I could have taken out the shooter before he got Dom. At least now we've taken down the two main men behind Dom's death. That's some form of closure – Something I didn't get with Charlie.

Even if Keshwar is still alive.

It was so tempting. He was just standing there, no one protecting him anymore. Just Sam, Kensi and I; no other witness. We could have easily said he was caught in the cross-fire. I doubt even Sam would have minded that little lie. After all, Vance only told us we had to find Keshwar. He didn't say anything about needing him alive. But I didn't pull the trigger; neither did Sam or Kensi. Because if we had've, we wouldn't have been any better than him or Kalil.

Vance offered me a chance to be considered for the top job – Me replace Hetty? Yeah right. But at least that little 'accident' got me Hetty's resignation letter. A bit of leverage. I know that little woman well enough to be able to push some of her buttons, just as she knows mine. I seriously doubt Hetty could ever really retire. She'd be too bored. She says her decision is final but I'd be willing to bet she'll be unpacking those boxes pretty soon.


End file.
